oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
