"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
