forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This is the high leading the old right now
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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