How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
