if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
