My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
