Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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