i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize