no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I need to align my fucking chakras
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