He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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