got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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