she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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