I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
