..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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