the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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