I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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