First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
