I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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