First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
