my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
