Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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