Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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