tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
