apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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