A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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