i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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