I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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