alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
