you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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