Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
My hand turned me down
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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