I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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