well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
