Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
