but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
