Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
