We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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