My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
