then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
