could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
