I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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