How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
