I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
