i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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