i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
