Taylor Swift is so right about you.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
