Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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