So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
