Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
