i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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