New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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