i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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