I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize