I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
