Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
