My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
