i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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