DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
