Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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