Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
