she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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