I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize