Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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